So many thoughts are whirring around in my head. I read a post the other day from a mother who had to send her baby off to be with Jesus. As tears rolled down my face, I think about what kind of mom I am... in this moment, what kind of mom am I?
I would probably be considered one of those "paranoid" moms who keeps her little chicks right next to her- holding hands at all times. Actually, I am not considered that mom- I AM that mom.
"Liz, you have to let go. Don't hold on to them so tight," people tell me. I get it. Really, I do. But, I never want to be the mom who has to thank God for those too few moments with her child. What mom dreams about that? None- not one.
I hold my kids tight. I don't make any apologies for that. I won't even apologize to them when they get older (they might have a "mommy complex" later in life). I keep them close because my heart can't stand the thought that I gave away one minute with them.
I don't stay-at-home with them because that is what I was told to do. I stay with them because God has put a burning desire in my heart to shelter, lead, love, and minister to them. I have a lifetime ahead of me to look back and scrutinize how I could have done it better, or different. But, right now, I only have these now moments. When I look ahead and dream of how things will one day be, I really am playing the lottery.
My babes aren't promised to me for a lifetime. They are only promised to me for the moment.
I ponder on that as I am overwhelmed and on the verge of tears. I remember that as I am wondering how I am going to love these babies through all my scars and faults. I dwell on that as I am exhausted from nights of little sleep and a house full of fannies that need to be cleaned.
With all the thoughts whirring in my head, I keep settling on the mom who buried her baby.
What would she tell me to spend my time doing?
What wisdom would she give me about days to come?
I am sure there are days when she lives in the past- celebrating and soaking up those too few moments with her little one.
I am sure she looks to the future- imagining what her precious blessing would have been. Whose eyes she would've had. What her grandchildren would have been like. But, she doesn't get that future.
It is only the now...