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Motherhood Mondays | Holding Back



I hesitate to help her move forward.  She's my little Julia-bug and I am struggling
with letting her advance.  I want her to grow and be amazing, but I selfishly want 
her to stay a little and precious and "mama doting" babe forever.  

This life has been given to me- for big things.
I am not a mistake.  My breath is not a mistake. 
These little people are not a mistake, they are my "big thing."  
I believe that with every ounce of my being. 
 I have already been shocked with the path God has led me.

I knew I would stay home with my kiddos, but four of them? 
 And, a deep desire for even more- are you kidding me?

Call me crazy, but this motherhood gig is such a beautiful mess.
It is fulfilling and tormenting all at once.
The desire to be enough for those little people met with the desire to be enough for the world.
It's the never ending battle of motherhood.

To feel valid in your ministry at home.
To feel like the world looks at you and sees your worth.
It isn't always there- that feeling.
It's knowing that it is okay for worldly validation to not be there-
truly, it feels vacant even when it's present.
As much as I desire to be seen as important and be showered with accolades,
it all feels empty and false in the end- there's more.
The more is knowing that you are on the most important
 and well-trod mission field God ever created, and you are not alone.

I guess, maybe, that's why I hold on to these little people so tightly.
What can I possibly be, if not a mother?
What is next?  Where will my voice lie?  
Where is my influence?
I have purpose in this phase.  I might forget it from time to time,
but the purpose is there and it echos in my heart every day.

I have little arms that wrap me up on the bleakest of days.
I have sweet smiles to confirm that this is all worth it.
Twinkling eyes see me as the beautiful, important, valid being 
that I was so fearfully and wonderfully made to be. 
My daily failures are opportunities to breath life into them. 

So, when people wonder, whether out in the open or under hushed tones,
why I press into motherhood so forcefully-
that's why.
I don't view it as a box to check off on the long list of life "to-dos."
It is a gift to me.  It is how the Father explains life to me.
It is the way I feel loved by Him.  These little people aren't so little in my book.
When Jesus can clear his schedule to sit and be with the little children,
I see no reason why I can't clear a few years to settle my soul and show them Jesus.

13 comments:

  1. " I don't view it as a box to check off on the long list of life "to-dos."
    It is a gift to me. It is how the Father explains life to me."

    Loved this the most! Such a wonderful, yet true and filled poem. Motherhood is a blessing to me. I may have feared and fought and worried and stressed and everything as I fell into the rhythm I have with motherhood today, but I'm here and I'm so grateful to be here. Baby Boy is a gift and when I sit still enough those feelings overwhelm me, nearly to the point of tears. :)

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    1. So glad you connected with my heart. :) Things do fall into place, if we just let them. blessings...

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  2. Beautiful words and it rings so true. It resonates with me because that's often how I feel. There are those that will judge me for staying home with my daughter, trading in the life I had before her. The word "enough" gets thrown around a lot--are you sure that's enough for you? Are you enough of a woman to do that? It's hard to ignore, but I manage. Because like you said: motherhood is a gift and I (like you) accept it wholeheartedly.

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    Replies
    1. We are enough. What we do is so important. Hold tight to that truth! Thank you for commenting. :)

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  3. Love this! You are so right, there is always a constant struggle to be everything for your family and everybody else. Its a daily balancing act! And yes I look at my little ones wishing I could hold back time and yet love seeing them grow into who they will become. Thanks for your beautiful perspective on the motherhood!

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    Replies
    1. It is tough to walk that fine line. Right now, I try to focus my energy on my family. Any time I step outside of that line, I end up feeling even less fulfilled. :) blessings, rebekah!

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  4. Love this so much. Speaks volumes to me. I have two kids and I still want more. But I'm a bit hesitant and anxious about our finances (we're a single income family) and all other things. But I love this, mothering and managing my household.

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    1. Girl, we have four kiddos and live on one income. Somehow, it all works out. We budget really tightly and it is so rewarding to see where each penny goes. Pray about it and it will all work out. :)

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  5. Such a beautiful poem! "The desire to be enough for those little people met with the desire to be enough for the world.
    It's the never ending battle of motherhood." I have struggled greatly with this as well, leaving my high-paying job to be a homeschooling mom. It doesn't make much sense to the world, but it is my calling, my blessing, my ministry. Thank you for sharing your heart.

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    1. Eventually, you will desire that "big paying job" less and become more fulfilled by your at-home ministry. This blog is what I did to fill that "corporate" void. I wanted to be able to reach beyond these four walls. I feel like I get my cake and get to eat it, too. :) Thanks for stopping by.

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  6. I have two little ones, another on the way and I hope God blesses me with many more after this one. As happy and content as I am, I certainly have my moments when I need a beautiful reminder like this one so thank you!

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