I hesitate to help her move forward. She's my little Julia-bug and I am struggling
with letting her advance. I want her to grow and be amazing, but I selfishly want
her to stay a little and precious and "mama doting" babe forever.
This life has been given to me- for big things.
I am not a mistake. My breath is not a mistake.
These little people are not a mistake, they are my "big thing."
I believe that with every ounce of my being.
I have already been shocked with the path God has led me.
I knew I would stay home with my kiddos, but four of them?
And, a deep desire for even more- are you kidding me?
Call me crazy, but this motherhood gig is such a beautiful mess.
It is fulfilling and tormenting all at once.
The desire to be enough for those little people met with the desire to be enough for the world.
It's the never ending battle of motherhood.
To feel valid in your ministry at home.
To feel like the world looks at you and sees your worth.
It isn't always there- that feeling.
It's knowing that it is okay for worldly validation to not be there-
truly, it feels vacant even when it's present.
As much as I desire to be seen as important and be showered with accolades,
it all feels empty and false in the end- there's more.
The more is knowing that you are on the most important
and well-trod mission field God ever created, and you are not alone.
I guess, maybe, that's why I hold on to these little people so tightly.
What can I possibly be, if not a mother?
What is next? Where will my voice lie?
Where is my influence?
I have purpose in this phase. I might forget it from time to time,
but the purpose is there and it echos in my heart every day.
I have little arms that wrap me up on the bleakest of days.
I have sweet smiles to confirm that this is all worth it.
Twinkling eyes see me as the beautiful, important, valid being
that I was so fearfully and wonderfully made to be.
My daily failures are opportunities to breath life into them.
So, when people wonder, whether out in the open or under hushed tones,
why I press into motherhood so forcefully-
I don't view it as a box to check off on the long list of life "to-dos."
It is a gift to me. It is how the Father explains life to me.
It is the way I feel loved by Him. These little people aren't so little in my book.
When Jesus can clear his schedule to sit and be with the little children,
I see no reason why I can't clear a few years to settle my soul and show them Jesus.