I’m not supposed to worry. Period. How am I supposed to do that? I can honestly say that I spend nights laying in bed worrying about whether I will die soon and my kids will be left without a mommy. I try to be so intentional with them. I fail at times, but I still try. Tears come to my eyes when I think about not being here to raise our kids with Mark. When I fail as a godly parent, I think, “why would God keep me here if I’m not fulfilling my duty as a wife and mother?” I have an insane drive to be the
perfect best mother. I know I fail miserably most days. On those days I can think of a million reasons why I need to be on my knees praying for help and a better tomorrow. I look at other moms who seemingly have it all together and wonder why I’m not a better mom like them.
Worry. It’s a sneaky, all consuming evil. I have been spending time in my Bible this summer, more than ever before. I have been intentional with who I surround myself with. I have been reading scripture to my daughter when in the midst of disciplining her. I have been trying to make myself a vessel for God. I want to be consumed by Him. I want to know that if by chance I don’t get to hug and kiss my kids ever again, that I was a mother that put God’s will for my life above my own.
I have a mother, that although isn’t perfect, showed me what it was like to be an awesome homemaker. I also can’t remember one time when my mother gossiped about someone while I was growing up. In my adulthood, my mother gives of her time and energy freely to me and my kids. God is still using her as a light in my life. I pray that my kids see me as a bright light when they are grown.
I am aware that this post started with “worry” and ended on an entire different tangent, but that’s the way my mind works these days. It all makes perfect sense in my head. To tie it all up I will say that I want to not worry about what my future holds. I want to be spiritually prepared to leave this earth and never look back. I want to have impacted my kids with whatever time I’m given on this earth. I want my kids to be able to say that their mother lead them in the ways of the Lord, not asking the world what they thought, but kneeling down and praying for direction. I have lived so much of my life trying to please the world and trying to make everyone happy. I am truly grateful that my time spent in the Word this summer has altered my way of thinking.